


the bitch academy

by linettisetgo, NearlyNormal



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves is Alive, Gen, Humor, Klaus Hargreeves is an idiot, Klaus Hargreeves needs to be stopped, Sort Of, Texting, they're idiots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 00:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19140352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linettisetgo/pseuds/linettisetgo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NearlyNormal/pseuds/NearlyNormal
Summary: The seven biggest idiots and one group chat. Klaus is a nightmare, five is Angry and Vanya is concerned. So what's new?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Doing this with my pal Lizzie. We have different ideas but we are basically the same person so the humour is similar. Go check her stuff out

19:17

**_IsEeDeAdPeOpLe_ created ‘The bitch academy’**

**_IsEeDeAdPeOpLe_ added _Number1_ , _Number2_ , _AllisonHargreeves_ , _Number5_ , _ben_ , _VanyaH_**

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: quick question,,, but like how do you stop fires from escaping the kitchen asking for a friend

Number2: Klaus what the Fuck

VanyaH: Klaus where are you and should I call someone?

ben: he’s fine just a dumb slut i told him he couldn’t leave pasta cooking that long but he just Had to watch The Great British Baking Show

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: shut the fuck up ghostboy i dont need this negativity or homophobia near me

ALSO ITS THE ‘Great British Bake Off’ YOU UNEDUCATED HEATHEN. DO NOT MISNAME THE GREATEST SHOW OF OUR GENERATION AND THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME IN THIS GODLESS HELLHOLE OF THE EARTH BECAUSE OF THE PURE BEAUTY OF THE SHOW

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO FIND THE ORIGINAL ONLINE??

TOO LONG BEN

TOO

LONG

Number1: How do you start a fire from pasta, Klaus? That sounds difficult.

Number2: Did that bitch just use punctuation

The fuck

VanyaH: lmao But ‘He’ makes a good point, how the hell did you start a fire

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: to combine the immortal words of Billy Joel and Shaggy

‘We didn’t start the fire’ and ‘it wasn’t me’

Number1: Vanya did you really just refer to me as ‘He’

AllisonHargreeves: This is a nightmare

Like literal nightmare fuel

Also where’s 5

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: ooHOO good point

5

5

5

5

5

5

5

5

5

5

Number5: shut the fuck up you fucking pile of shit

this family is hard enough anyway and now?? you don’t leave me alone??? because of ‘group chats’???

i want to fucking die

**_IsEeDeAdPeOpLe_ changed _Number5_ to _Grandad_**

ben: lmao we have to fix the rest of them

**_IsEeDeAdPeOpLe_  granted  _ben_  admin privileges**

**_IsEeDeAdPeOpLe_ changed _Number2_ to _knifeyboy_**

**_ben_ changed _Number1_ to _‘He’_**

**_IsEeDeAdPeOpLe_ changed _VanyaH_ to _vilolin_**

**_IsEeDeAdPeOpLe_ changed _vilolin_ to _vliolin_**

**_IsEeDeAdPeOpLe_ changed _vliolin_ to _violin_**

knifeyboy: Do you know how to spell

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: yes but

mybrain

Not wrong

*WORKY

fuck

ben: take a nap shithead

Grandad: is no one else wondering how the fuck ben -a literal ghost- is typing?

ben: shut the fuck up bitch


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone gets stabbed, someone is haunted and questions are asked
> 
> as a reminder  
> 'He' = Luther  
> knifeyboy = Diego  
> AllisonHargreeves = Allison  
> IsEeDeAdPeOpLe = Klaus  
> Grandad= Five  
> ben = Ben  
> violin = Vanya

04:15

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: someone needs to stop me before something awful happens

 

05:59

violin: Oh god

I just saw this

Klaus don’t do it

Whatever it was 

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: ...too late

AllisonHargreeves: Klaus

What did you do?

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: i’m not sure it reeeeaally matters does it???

 

06:03

 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE** **_ben_ ** **→** **_IsEeDeAdPeOpLe_ **

 

ben: bitch what did you do

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: don’t snitch thotticus

snotticus

ben: i can’t,, if i don't know,,,

now tell

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: i may have bought 250 small bouncy balls to scatter on the hallways of the house

ben: and this is why you’re my favourite brother

do you want me to distract them?

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: please

 

06:14

 

**The bitch academy**

 

ben: i’m sure it doesn’t

you know what i’m sure also doesn’t matter

…

the moon

‘He’: WILL YOU GUYS PLEASE FREAKING STOP. YOU KNOW IT’S A SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR ME AND YOU CONSTANTLY MAKING FUN OF IT ISN’T HELPING

Grandad: did that bitch just say freaking instead of fucking??

violin: lmao

You can swear Luther, we’re all adults

knifeyboy: Hate to interrupt the daily Luther bash but can someone grab the door for me

violin: front?

knifeyboy: Yeah

AllisonHargreeves: What the fuck was that scream

violin: Can we get someone who knows first aid down here while I call a fucking ambulance

knifeyboy: VANYA NO

I’m fine

violin: Diego you literally have what looks like a broken rib, blood pouring from a STAB WOUND and at the very least a mild concussion

knifeyboy: That’s not _that_ bad

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: oh that’s not that bad

oh jinks

knifeyboy: JINKS

oh damn

AllisonHargreeves: WE ARE NOT GETTING DIVERTED FROM THIS

Diego what the Fuck happened to you

knifeyboy: So I have this stage knife right that I won in a game of drunk pool

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: as you do

knifeyboy: Exactly

So I have this knife and it’s supposed to retract when it hits something solid so it doesn’t hurt a performer

But it looks very much like an actual real knife I own

violin: Oh dear

knifeyboy: And so I decided I needed to test them because if I’m using a knife then I need it to do the stabby part

ben: obviously 

knifeyboy: And I want to make clear that if I was at this point entirely sober, I would have lightly pushed down on the knife tip

Grandad: but,,,

knifeyboy: But I wasn’t and I convinced myself I knew which knife it was so I stabbed myself with it and (as you can guess) it was a real stabby knife

AllisonHargreeves: Okay so that explains the stab wound but the rib/concussion?

knifeyboy: Oh right yeah

I did this on the roof

And then fell off the roof in shock

 

_several people are typing_

 

13:41

 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE** **_ben_ ** **→** **_IsEeDeAdPeOpLe_ ** 

 

ben: so you know i’m coming to visit you right??

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: from your creepy mysterious goblin place you won’t tell me about??

ben: yeah 

well

the entire station at my end is empty

it’s like an apocalypse 

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: ur haunted

ben: probably

i

uh

i just saw a steam train come through the station 

backwards

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: uhhh

ben: i’m think i’m haunted

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: ur definitely haunted

ben: how do i fix it??

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: i’ll be ur Shane Madej

FUCK YOUU U U

LIVE INSIDE MY RIBCAGE

d e m ån

d ê mô n

wait lemme ask for help

 

13:46

 

**The bitch academy**

 

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: how do you dehaunt someone

AllisonHargreeves: Dehaunt?

Do you mean exorcise

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: yea that

how

knifeyboy: Who are we exorcising?

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: ben

‘He’: Klaus I’m very disappointed in you. No matter how much Ben annoys you, you cannot try to send our brother away!

ben: no bitch

i’m haunted

Grandad: you??? are literally??? a ghost????

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: shhHhHH

ben: shhh

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: (when’s ur haunted ass getting here)

Ben: (literally now)

violin: How is Ben being haunted even possible?

Also how is Ben even texting, he’s a ghost?

AllisonHargreeves: Klaus apparently you ordered a parcel and it’s big and the delivery guy wants you to sign for it?

IsEeDeAdPeOpLe: oOF ON MY WAY NOW!!!!

Grandad: did anyone else get an immense feeling of dread

knifeyboy: I don’t know what he’s ordered but I’m scared and concerned 

ben: hehehe 

it begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really really sorry for disappearing. it's mainly because i'm an idiot and despite Lizzie bullying me multiple times i never got round to writing anything although go check her fic out she updates much more regularly than me


End file.
